Google quits web to focus on landscape painting career

“For the last few months Google hasn’t felt challenged at work, its heart really doesn’t seem to be in it any more. Its mood is often indifferent or worse – once I walked into the office unannounced and I think it had been crying.”

New Blackberry device will be ’100% reliable’

BlackBerry users are to be offered an alternative devices as compensation for the recent three day failure of their Internet service. RIM, the Canadian firm behind the smartphone brand, said the new handsets will be ’100% reliable’ and boast improved battery life and much lighter weight.

Still no sign of that invisibility cloak we keep hearing about

“They always illustrate the story with a photo of Harry Potter, then go on about some baffling breakthrough in polymers that can bend light. But can I stand outside my neighbour’s window masturbating in the knowledge that a high-tech cloak will hide my shame? No. I still have to hide in the bushes like an animal.”

Apple to sue Etch A Sketch

“It not only looks like a cheap knock-off of the iPad, but even uses the same technologies as our product – namely metal and plastic,” said Apple’s legal representative Troy Brohammer Jr.

New ‘Google Chaperone’ will use the internet for you

“Google Chaperone is our newest and most exciting product,” said Chad A. Minion, head of Google Labs. “It makes using the Internet even easier, as users won’t have to type anything in, or even look at the screen – just simply tell our Google Chaperone operative what you’re looking for and they will read out the results. Once they’ve cleared the search terms with Google Central Control.”